Forgiveness does not come easy. It isn’t something you bow down to effortlessly. Attempting to understand why and how things happen leaves you extremely exhausted. When you “pick apart” every emotion, every action and reaction- that only leads to more confusion and more unanswered questions.
I spent so many years trying to figure out the answers. “God, why? Have I not suffered enough? Why do you continue to insist on testing me?” I was left utterly unhinged and perplexed. It was only logical to think that one bad thing after another continued to happen and I had no idea why or how to stop it.
Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of anyone who has been victimized. Without forgiveness, you are left with resentment and a build up of anger for years to come. But sometimes the hurt is so deep it can leave you paralyzed with memories, making it difficult to move forward as if your inner world has a harsh hand wrapped around your arm- leaving you immobilized and rooted.
I suffered years of hate and anger to those who abused, neglected and assaulted me. Letting go of all the negative emotions was lengthy. No longer angry with God, I started to question my outrage and aversion, seeking some sort of closer for what I went through. But I know He had heard my cries, had heard my requests, had witnessed me get on my knees and plea for some sort of understanding and to extend forgiveness in my heart so that love could take it’s place.
Slowly, bit by bit, I started to let go. The resentment I felt towards my mother, the hate I felt towards the criminal who sexually assaulted me, to the man I feel victim to as a domestic abuse survivor, to God whom I placed so much blame on, and to myself for holding such much guilt, shame, and criticism.
You have to accept life as it was. But you do not have to accept life at it IS. Every day you are given a choice to wallow in your past, or get up, stand up and fight to become something better then you were yesterday.
So I wasn’t made to be perfect.
But this perfection was in mind.
In hopes that our desires to be,
In this world so perfect and this perfection
Just how you may lead your perfected life,
is not so perfect for me.
So blinded by delusions of perfection
was your gift,
But if you were so damned perfect you’d know
perfection does not exist!
In making wrong decisions I can perfect
the steps to take,
And see revealed are lessons learned
through my lifes perfecting mistake… me.
2008 Tiffany C. Stevens
This is a poem I had written to myself in 2008. I felt as if everyone around me expected some sort of flawlessness. As if I radiated strength, a glow of some sort. All the while, dying inside from the emotions I had built up and raging inside me. I am my own misunderstanding. I am my own worst rival. It was not a mistake that I am here, I am alive, and I am a survivor. I am exceedingly living to perfect any fault I’ve made. I am my lifes “perfecting” mistake, and forgiveness starts from within.